The wonder, the beauty, the vague recognition of some half-forgotten memory. This was how the first signs felt to me. Subtle divine beauty in every-day things revealing itself, but if focused on too hard, it would vanish, slipping the grasp of my mind.
I’m 6, it’s Christmas, I’m taken to Santa’s grotto; A magical place of music, tinsel and colourful lights, the promise of abundance, adults who usually want me to ‘grow-up’ now seem keen to encourage a childish sense-of-wonder. It’s a sensory buffet, a feast, I thrill in the magic.
I’m 40, I take my own kids to see Santa, I see the cardboard grotto, dirty, battered. The cheap nylon costume, old trainers, white beard elastic pinching the fatty skin on the side of Santa’s neck. A stack of £20 notes in a tin. Why is it so expensive?
I’m 20, I’m sitting in a park surrounded by trees. Amazed by each green leaf – as complex as a miniature city, fizzing with life, rippled with patterns of translucent green, exquisitely beautiful. The trees around me spilling with a billion of these living jewels, like emeralds. Golden threads of grass wave between the trees, the pale turquoise dome overhead is perfect and complete. I’m swallowed in this divine jewellery box, treasure chest, awash with infinite beauty, and my mind identifies that “Everything is God”. A tear finds an infinite contour on my cheek, traces its line, a perfect liquid diamond.
I’m 45, I step off the packed commuter train, my understanding is that life is mainly suffering with occasional moments of relief. Crowds squeeze through the ticket gate, up the steps to the street. I missed a bit shaving this morning, on my jawline, wonder if it shows, I need to make a good impression, a meeting in 15 minutes. Jesus, can’t they pick up the rubbish? That guy in front of me, on the steps, black leather briefcase and his little ruck-sack, he looks so ‘buttoned-up’, then I wonder what he earns, probably more than me.
I’m 47 Walking home on a pavement (side-walk) past a garden with a privet hedge, lit by a sodium orange street light. I’m very unhappy, I brush my hand against the leaves as I pass and I’m struck by the strong but vague recognition of some half-forgotten memory, not like a deja-vu, but something deeper. If I try to focus on it , it disappears, it slips the grasp of my mind. I recall that jewellery box from my youth.
I’m 48 I’m walking to the local shop, it’s raining, traffic and rubbish in the gutters, a low grey heavy sky. The shop, recently fitted out, already grubby, I feel a scrap of paper in my pocket. shopping list ..was there anything else I needed?
Then – I’m still walking to the local shop, the drops of rain each trace a unique flight path through the great volume of the marbled sky, each a perfect drop, touching my face in a spark of sensation. Cars hiss waves of sound, flashes of bright colour as rubbish flows down the gutters in kind of circus show. It’s a divine scene, it’s so beautiful, there’s so much love, I’m back in the jewellery box, everything is perfection.
As these experiences happen more and more often. I start to call them “free holidays“. I’m not religious and I still don’t know what’s happening.
I become a little obsessed with listening to non-duality teachers on YouTube. My life starts to turn upside-down, my career tips up, my home/family life falls apart, just as my health starts to crumble. Now I’m 49, 2 children, a failed marriage, unemployed, no savings and with chronic illness. But free holidays continue.
I’m 49, listening to Mooji on YouTube, instead of my normal listening, I’ve committed time to sit and follow what he calls his “invitation”. “Leave all your stuff at the door”, he tells us. “leave all your roles; you’re a child , parent, your job, ..” and then it happens. I suddenly get this clarity of who I am. It’s not magical, there are no sparks, no angels, it’s not really even “spiritual” just very ordinary. For the first time I’m in touch with the “me” that I’ve been since I was a child. This “me”, this ordinary “me”. And now I understand all the non-duality teachers who say be “aware of awareness” suddenly it makes sense. – and I’m finally on the path, I’ve taken my first step.
I’m 50, getting my life back “on track” determined not to repeat my mistakes, working out how to forgive my childhood carers, to forgive my ex-wife, to forgive myself for allowing myself to be a victim. ..for being a victim. I want the rest of my life to be based on healthier self-understanding.
I notice that the more I spend time with this new-found sense of “myself” the more free holidays come to me and the more profound they become. I entertain the idea that the universe is unfurling it’s beauty, showing me the way forward.
I’m 52 , I’ve just been to an Enlightenment Intensive retreat in the south of England, it was amazing, I feel as though I’ve cleared out most of the ghosts in my closet, I feel refreshed and clear, even though I haven’t had what they call a “direct experience”. It’s the next day, I come downstairs to my kitchen, sit down, then suddenly the universe just folds itself away, Everything, absolutely everything, including all spiritual teachings, all concepts, including reality itself and all it’s possibilities all just fold neatly into a tiny point. I’m just left as the endless silence; the silent background to everything.
After a while I a thought appears in the silence “but I thought this would be full of love” and it’s followed by other thoughts “I could just make a cup of tea” and “I wonder if this is enlightenment” and “is this a permanent state, is this “it”” .. as more thoughts come, the experience itself slowly subsides. Old reality crashes back in like waves of ocean filling the void and with it come tears, real sobbing, mixed with laughter. And mixed with the flood of love and emotions come realisations: This reality is the love of the silence, this ordinary day-to-day reality is the only and absolute expression of the love of the divine. Every molecule of it, every moment, every colour, sound, sensation, taste and feeling, this reality IS the love, the Absolute, the Divine, this is Oneness, this everyday stuff is God.
I write this, I’m 54 and I’ve just organised my first Enlightenment Intensive Retreat with an EI Master – Sally, it was wonderful. 2 of our 8 participants had direct experiences, and all the participants had deeply valuable insights into themselves.
I’ve come a long way on my personal healing journey and my greatest joy is to help nurture others as they walk their own paths. Often when I provide one-to-one massage and counselling I feel as though I’m treating warriors who’ve come in from the battlefield for a moment of calm, a moment of healing. I’m filled with gratitude, it’s a privilege to be of service in this way.
if you’ve read this far then thankyou. If you’d like to talk about any of this, then I’d love to hear from you and I urge you to get in touch.